me when i when i when me when (i'll get better at naming soon, i promise!)

08/16/2023 at 07:08 PM PT

written by: ignpoppyseed

     no way!!! it's me again!! I'm back, and I have more to ramble about. I feel like this post would probably make more sense as a diary entry, but I don't really care. Realistically, It's not like I'm revealing personal information that should never be published, I'm just cataloguing the things I struggle with. I'm still trying to work out the appropriate level of things to talk about here, but I suppose I can always delete posts, if I really need to. Since I've been all vague though, what do I want to talk about? If you guessed "being trans (again)" you win!! Your prize is one poppy dabloon, which you can cash in with me and receive nothing in return!

     So what do I want to say? I don't know. When I decided to write this post, I had a bunch of decent ideas. Now that I've sat down (and spent ten minutes making single-dabloon cat), though, I just have thought-spaghetti in my brain. I do have one thing to talk about though, so I will start with that. I've struggled with this for a long time, but one of the things that upsets me the most about the fact that I am trans, is that I will never (and have never) been a young child of my preferred gender. I spent the first 12 years of my life in the wrong body, without even the words to describe it.

     Even now that I have a perscription for HRT, and am much more confident that I "look like a girl", I'm still not cis. I know this sounds very obvious, but I feel like what I'm actually saying may slip past you if you aren't trans yourself (or even if you are!). It's a very, very difficult thing to describe, and I have tried and failed many times. I have a mild obsession with the concept of "forever", and have an extremely hard time letting go of things, and this is part of my issue. Even though I, by definition, am a girl, I have a hard time separating the fact that I'm trans. Of course, I'll always be trans, and I'm not trying to get rid of that. What my issue is, is that I (for myself) can't categorize myself with other women. I don't have this issue for other trans women, it's just that I can't convince myself that I really am a girl.

     I think it's imposter syndrome, since I feel the same way about my software development. Even when something I make is objectively well put together, and is "perfectly" functional, I still can't convince myself I'm done. I have to add more, to reach an impossible standard (especially for my experience-level). I don't think I'm explaining myself well, but I'm really trying. In the most simple and universal terms I can think of, I am 100%, without a doubt, confident that I am a woman. None of this is a question about weather or not I'm actually trans. My issue is that I upset myself thinking about the fact that I am trans. I'm still struggling to actually explain myself, but I do think that's the closest I'll get today. I don't know.

     The idea that got me started on this whole thing, though, was the idea that I will never be cisgender while in high school. Obviously, I'll never be cisgender at all, but at least with surgeries I can get closer than I am "by default". I don't really know what point I'm trying to make, but I still wanted to say it. There are things cis women deal with in high school, that I simply won't get to. While that can be a blessing in a lot of ways, it still really upsets me.

     I don't know. There's a lot more I could say, but I feel like it will just turn into more of a ramble. Thank you all for reading, I really appreciate it <3